First Hurdle Cleared: Only a lifetime to go!

Dr. Z: If you had to pick a cancer out of a hat then you'd want to get your cancer.

Me: That sounds like a really crappy hat.

Just another day sitting and waiting to see one of my oncologists. Today, it's Dr. H although he looks a lot like Wilson from the TV show, House, I'll refer to him as Dr. H. He's been looking after my chemo and according to him any bragging rights to beating my cancer will be decided between Dr. Buster and Dr. H. According to Dr. H., it will be due to him if my cancer is ever gone. I'm feeling upbeat today as my appointment a few days ago with Dr. Buster revealed the chemo and drugs had knocked back my cancer a bit and surgery is on for the fall. The trouble with cancer is every single day you wait for bad news so on the good days you try to hold on a little longer and enjoy them. I've walked into the cancer centre today a little happier than usual. Dr. H., I am not sure what he will tell me today but I am hoping it continues on the path of things are looking good and that we're all going to give cancer a good old shit kicking this fall.

I spent a lot of time talking with my wife, Carolyn, this weekend about what the last seven months have meant. Did I 'survive' chemo, 'fight through' my treatments, 'beat' the cancer or just keep living while it happened around me. I'm inclined to go with the latter as I feel confused about what has really transpired over the last several months. I've learned chemo is a bitch! Chemo, for me, meant spending almost four months being inside someone else's body and times trying to operate with a brain that was like a 1985 Commodore 64 in a land of iPads. One of the drugs I had to take during chemo gave me an appetite that could have turned me into the first "BBQ Whore" if I had been left to work a corner in any major city. Yes, I think I may have been willing to turn tricks for a rack of ribs if you caught me at one o'clock in the morning...or in the afternoon...or evening...or before noon. Yes, I was horny for food 24/7! Until you've had chemo you can't appreciate how much it messes with you. Everyone loves to eat but with chemo I spent a good part of four months never knowing what my food would taste like. I love milk as well as buttered toast but for most of my treatment those things tasted like a harsh chemical. Chemo meant getting hit with a fatigue so quickly that I could leave a practice and within twenty minutes be unable to stop from passing out. I am glad I've gotten through it but I understand why some people say no and let the cancer kill them instead.

I got through the last seven months the same way people get through other things, one step at a time. I don't feel like I won a fight or defeated anything but that the last seven months passed and I managed to stay alive and upright. I've come to accept that I may never be "cancer-free" so finishing chemo and facing surgery in a couple of months is just another set of hurdles I have to get over. My main oncologist has already talked to me about another treatment that is coming out in the future so I've got to think he's already getting prepared for the next round versus cancer. Keeping motivated means leaning on people like family, friends, my team and my medical team. It means being angry a lot during treatment because my wife is pushing me to build a fence when I want to lay down on the couch because she knows laying around is not what I need. Thanks Carolyn for that!

I have a couple of months before surgery that sounds pretty major when it is described by your doctor as, "I'm going to open you up to your abdomen and clean you out. It'll take about five hours or so."  Scared? Hell yes! Excited? Of course! It means I'm going to be out of commission for two months or so but when I'm back I should be as good as new minus a lot of cancer and stuff. It'll be hard recoverng but it's a challenge and my team starts their exhibition season in December and we have a title to defend. 

"Some of you are thinking that you won't fight. Others, that you can't fight. They all say that, until they're out there." Gladiator (2000)

#shitkickcancer