Scared? More so than any other time in my life!

Emotions are usually pretty standard. You win a poker hand and you're happy. You lose a job, you're sad. Someone punches you in the nuts and you're filled with anger. The same person punches your friend in the groin and you're giddy with joy. However, every now and then you get some news and you realize you don't have an emotion ready and that's what I learned a few weeks ago. I had been waiting for months to have surgery on my formerly 'inoperable' cancer when I got a call telling me it's a go for September 15th. I thought I would feel happy but the first thought is fear followed by sadness, happiness and shock. I wasn't ready to get the concrete date for a surgery that will last 5-6 hours, likely require blood transfusions and require cutting stuff out, stitching things back together and the uncertainty of what they'll see when they slice me open. I'm not a fan of the unknown because we lose control and anyone who has met me knows I'm a little bit of a control freak. 

I'm roughly 34 hours from surgery and despite my best efforts I'm unable to keep my mind occupied with anything but what I face on Monday morning. The surgeon is confident surgery will be successful and he should be able to remove most, if not all, of the cancer from my body. I probably should feel excited but the unknown is a scary thing. The prospect of being able to say "I'm cancer free" would be a dream, even if it's only for a day, a week or a month. Unfortunately, I remain focused on what happens if he opens me up and he has one of those, "holy crap, I didn't expect to see that" moments. Monday morning at 6am is far off and doesn't feel real just yet but knowing at 8am they'll knock me out (I'm hoping for Propofol the same stuff that killed Michael Jackson. That stuff is the bomb!) and I can sleep for the six hours or so the surgery will take. You see I haven't slept more than 2-3 straight hours, save for one day, in almost ten months and I feel worn down beyond anything I've ever felt. The feeling I might get the restful, drug induced sleep of Propofol is the one thing I'm looking forward to.

Cancer wears you down for many reasons. One is the stress of wondering will I beat it and if I don't when will it kill me. Unknown. Another are the treatments. If you ever meet someone going through chemo, try and take a second to lift their spirits. Tell them a joke. Chat about a mundane topic and get their mind off the disease. A story of someone beating cancer. Worst case scenario, just punch their friend in the nuts. It always works! 

Finally, the seemingly endless number of appointments starts to drag you down. I've only had cancer for about ten months but I've lost count of the number of people I've seen, tests run, lab visits and hours spent sitting in a waiting room at Juravinski Cancer Centre. All the tests coupled with the chemo have left me with veins in my arms that are almost impossible to draw blood from. Nobody told me about the crappy side of chemo where your veins seems to disappear and they have to draw blood from the top of your hand. All I heard was good bye back hair followed by blah, blah, blah.

Monday morning, I will leave my home at 5am and check in at 6am for my surgery at 8 o'clock. What scares me is this unknown. I'll wake up around 2 or 3 while struggling to figure out where I am and when I finally get my bearings I'll wait for Dr. Pinthus to tell me if I'll get a good night's sleep on Monday or if it's back to chemo, drugs and the introduction of radiation. I feel tired right now and wishing I could stop this shitty ride but when I look back on the last year I see how many times I've felt like this and how many times the feeling has passed and something great has happened. There have been a lot of hard days but they've always been followed by something that lifted my spirits. Monday will suck knowing it's going to take me 2 months or so before I'm back to normal but I've got an amazing wife that kicks my ass every time I want to sulk, a daughter who amazes me every moment of the day, a team that is going to do something special this year, a job I like and so many friends and colleagues that lift me up everyday! You all might think a couple of sentences in a message doesn't mean much but often it's those words that bring a smile to my face or make me laugh out loud.

One thing I've learned through this whole experience has been it feels awfully good to tell someone how much you appreciate them, a good memory, or just something to make them feel good. It'll make them feel good and you'll get the same fuzzy feeling. Getting through this battle has been made bearable because so many people have done just that for me. Thanks for that!

"When you feel like quitting, think about why you started." Unknown

#shitkickcancer

The picture is from a surprise dinner last Tuesday. While at dinner, parents organized drivers and the players offered to help babysit.